Its been 10 days since I have stopped breast feeding my 16 months old and now I can finally put my feelings into words, may be not even now, but I will try my best. It was a hard process, for me and for him, I had to prepare myself for it, and it took me a good 3 weeks to do it. After I completely weaned him, the next day it felt like I am someone else. Snapping at the tiniest things, getting mad for no reason, and some more irrational behavior – and that’s not me. I am usually the sweetest person to talk to, however I was in a biting mood, arguing like a teenager and feeling low through out the day and night.
I then did some research and found out that post weaning depression is very common but very scarcely known. A very special bond that we created had come to an end. The idea of your body (with the will of Allah) making food for your baby and the idea of you providing the best food for your baby coming to an end was something that started giving me anxiety attacks (even before I completely weaned him off). Although I was trying to stay busy (I rely on cooking and eating when depressed, so this time I was on a cooking spree – at 10pm I started making Habshi halwa one day, next day kheer, etc. so yeah, imagine my state!), I still kept on snapping at my family members unknowingly. Its not like I was not ready for it the weaning part, I was, it’s just that I didn’t think that I will, as a person, change so much.
I am generally a very open person, especially with my husband. Our relationship is that of best friends, alhamdolilah, where I share any and all of my feelings. However, this, I didn’t. During the process of weaning (not fully weaned) as we were discussing how our day had gone by, I just told him that I am super tired and started crying. I had no idea at that time as to why I am crying, we both were perplexed and I could not come up with any justification of why I am crying (weird!). I guess after I fully weaned my baby is when I realized that how deeply effected I am by this. I didn’t take any medication, didn’t go to therapy and I am still recovering from the post weaning depression. My husband’s support and self-realization along with some diet and lifestyle change was good enough to make me feel better. Its still only 10 days and I have stopped snapping, but I am still a little low. I will not hesitate to take professional help (therapy or anti depressants) if needed, however because my baby has adjusted to the bottle, I feel better since he is being fed, it’s an ongoing process.
For now, I am spending one-on-one time with him even more, cuddling with him while reading to him and playing games to keep him occupied and emotionally stimulated.
